Last Update: 1990-02-02 08:54 UTC
Updated By: Aileen Hostetler


As transcribed from the Akashic Records by

Miss Prudence Gopnik
Notary Public / Psychopomp

Utilizing the Lesser Banishing Ritual of Mel Sharples
And a Loaf of Bread, a Container of Milk, and a Stick of Butter

With full authorization and permission of

Grandmaster Googie Forkke of Brussels (Wisconsin)
Ward Cleaver Lodge ∵ Man of the Girth
Sovereign Order of Queso Fundido 1438° (25=624)

Irenaeus Plonk: An Ascended Master in an Irregular and Clandestine age

Frater Irenaeus Plonk, Ascended Master
This is not a photograph of Frater Plonk. It is, in fact, a cartoon from

Via a remarkable synchronicity, it accurately reflects Mr. Plonk's appearance.

Irenaeus Plonk was born to Mr. Solomon Plonk (a sanitation engineer) and Mrs. Muffy Plonk (nee Lipschitz), (social worker), on August 16, 1971, in Paramus, New Jersey. A child prodigy, by his eighth birthday he had already developed a method of extracting concentrated psychoactive compounds from popular breakfast beverages. On his tenth birthday, following what he describes as "an epic overdose involving "Elixir of Tang," Plonk ascended, attaining omniscience over the known universe, while metabolizing over six hundred million percent of the US Recommended Daily Allowance of Vitamin C.

Note: In so doing, Plonk also wiped out all cases of scurvy in a 62 Parsec radius, ushering in a new dawn of sea and space exploration on 38 inhabited planets.

Waking from a coma 25 years later, he complained that the universe was "more boring than you'd ever suspect," that the Akashic Records were "written in a particularly banal Comic Sans variant with odious kerning and frequent misspellings of you're, your and the disturbingly overused yore," and that the Secret Chiefs "were a council of jabronies into dick jokes and Insane Clown Posse."

Since this time, he has occupied his time attempting to stage a "magickal working" consisting of a game of Monopoly between the staffs of the Ayn Rand Institute, the Lyndon LaRouche-affiliated Schiller Institute, and Industrial Workers of the World. As of the date of this writing, neither the Ayn Rand Institute nor Industrial Workers of the World have responded to Plonk's many entreaties. The Schiller institute, it is rumored, has been "on board since day one so long as they get to be the shoe."

Update: Mr. Plonk would like to quash any and all rumors regarding his ascension to OT VIII: Mr. Plonk has never, despite his best efforts, achieved OT VIII, and those aberrated individuals who insist on peddling this irksome canard shall be routed to Ethics.

Update #2: Mr. Plonk would also like to answer the abusive comments he has received regarding his initiation into the Great White Brotherhood. Mr. Plonk notes that the Great White Brotherhood is actually so-named in tribute to 80s hair metal giants Great White, and that the few human members of the brotherhood are disproportionately represented by Korean-Americans anyway.

Because we are not complete bastards, the back arrow in your browser should work properly, as it did in ancient mystery schools during the Aeon of Marc Andreessen.

Leave a voicemail message for Irenaeus Plonk @ +1 520-344-2375

Current Magickal Working of Frater Plonk:

Masonic Scungilli Reel