megaplonk.com
Last Update: 1978-12-11 05:13 UTC
Updated By: Jeannine Alonso

LIBER MEH: The Book of LOL



As transcribed from the Akashic Records by

Miss Prudence Gopnik
Notary Public / Psychopomp

With full authorization and permission of

Grandmaster Googie Forkke of Brussels (Wisconsin)
Ward Cleaver Lodge ∵ Man of the Girth
Sovereign Order of Queso Fundido 1438° (25=624)
I. GENESIS ∵I HAVE "WE CAN'T DANCE" ON VINYL BECAUSE I FORGOT TO RETURN IT TO COLUMBIA HOUSEdammit fuck

In 1992 I was travelling in the exotic wastes of South Amboy, New Jersey when, rising out of the ether of Route 9, New Jersey's Silk Road, I sensed in the cavernous abyss of my nostrils the acrid aroma of felled bovine, cooked in the customary fashion of the indigenous. My traveling companion instantly lowered the volume on what the locals call "The Steve Miller Band - Greatest Hits 1974-78", a recording of primitive religious chants and hymns popular among the local priesthood, slicked her synophrys with her wetted thumb, and pointed to the horizon.

There, an esoteric lodge rose over the roadway, its battlements festooned with the words "WHITE CASTLE" in which the local hierophants partook of a eucharist consisting of miniature steam-grilled beef sandwiches and fried potatoes.

Eager to be initiated into the Mysteries of the "Garden State," I partook in the eucharist a good three or four times, okay twelve times, when I felt elementals moving uncomfortably within me.

Unwilling to possess me as I had initially hoped, I repaired to the appropriate sex-segregated exorcism chamber and sat upon the sacred throne as the unhappy gnomes, undines, and sylphs flew from within me to darker and waterier places, and it was in the midst of this catharsis that He appeared.

Whether as a Leviathan of the abyss beneath me, a summoning of the Lodge beyond the door in front of me, or from the Astral Plane, or from the effects of food poisoning, or from Paramus, I know not, but over my left shoulder, from the furthest corner of the room, in a low voice seasoned by the local patois, he intoned:

Ey, stunad! I am Nachos Trismegistus (Castiglione), capo (chief priest) of Petey Pocketpool (Costa). Write this the fuck down.

What follows is the wisdom thereby imparted.

I warn initiates, acolytes, and petitioners all: Any doubt, quarrel, or deviation from what follows will most certainly result in your immediate death. It is therefore incumbent upon all students to believe in all earnestness everything transcribed here. To those skeptical or dubious I say, stop immediately and proceed not; maybe watch a Game of Thrones boobs compilation on the pornographic website of your choice instead.

The following index is organized by hour; as I remained in the exorcism chamber for nine hours, so, too, did the revelation proceed in nine parts, each hour corresponding to an unfortunate acquisition from Columbia House that I was remiss in returning, and was, concomitant with my delinquency, impoverished and humiliated by.

Snack on what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Corn chips are the law. Corn chips under melty cheese.

INDEX: THE RECEIVED WISDOM OF NACHOS (VINNIE) TRISMEGISTUS (CASTIGLIONE)
  1. TESTAMENT OF IRENAEUS PLONK

    1. LESSER BANISHING RITUAL OF MEL SHARPLES
    2. DEGREES, GRADES, AND YELLOW SMILEY FACE STICKERS
    3. THE ABBOT OF THELEMA
    4. HORUS DRIVES A 2003 FORD FIESTA AND WHAT'S WITH THE STUPID-LOOKING HEAD.

  2. ECCLESIA GNOSTICA PATHETICA: PLONKCHURCH. BECAUSE WHERE DOES EVERY OCCULTIST WANT TO SPEND HIS OR HER TIME? CHURCH, OBVS.

    1. FULL RITE AND LITURGY OF PLONKCHURCH
    2. ALLEGORIES AND SYMBOLS CENTRAL TO THE RITE AND LITURGY OF PLONKCHURCH
    3. NUDE PRIESTESSES: THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES FOR FREE ARE NOT THE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES. JUST PAY A STRIPPER OR SKIP THE NAKED STUFF ALTOGETHER OR MAYBE JUST STAY HOME AND RE-EXAMINE HOW YOU EVEN GOT TO THIS POINT IN YOUR LIFE
    4. A COMMENTARY ON CAKES OF LIGHT
    5. A COMMENTARY ON THE WHORE OF BABYLON, NEW YORK (SUFFOLK COUNTY) AND OTHER WHORES TOO

  3. THE HAM GALAXY: COSMOLOGY

    1. FOR REALSIES, THERE IS A GALAXY MADE OF PURE HAM, PINK AND INFINITE
    2. THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE HAM GALAXY
    3. OKAY THERE IS NO GALAXY MADE OF PURE HAM; I MADE THAT UP
    4. BUT STILL

  4. PRACTICAL MAGICK: TURNING WHIMS INTO SIGILS AND THEN JERKING OFF TO MAKE THEM COME (HEHE, "COME") TRUE.

    1. SERIOUSLY I SHIT YOU NOT, THIS WORKS
    2. TECHNIQUE
    3. ALTERNATE METHODS OF CHARGING SIGILS
    4. HOW TO TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY WHEN DOING THIS
    5. HOW TO PRETEND TO TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY WHEN DOING THIS IF YOU CAN'T TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY WHEN DOING THIS
    6. EXCUSES TO MAKE IF YOU GET CAUGHT DOING THIS
    7. PROBABLY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA DO THIS ALL THE TIME
    8. ALSO GOTHS
    9. MAYBE JUST GIVE ALL OF THIS A MISS AND REJOIN SOCIETY

  5. WHAT TO DO WHEN THINGS GO HORRIBLY WRONG BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE TOTAL DRAMA QUEENS

    1. THE BLACK LODGE OF TOM CRUISE BY GATYR (SUSSMAN)
    2. THE GREATER BANISHING RITUAL OF KICKING PEOPLE THE FUCK OUT
    3. DEMONS GETTING PREDICTABLY ALL UP IN YOUR SHIT: ROLL A SAVING THROW FOR "REGRET," THEN ROLL ANOTHER FOR "NO SUCH THING"
    4. ENOUGH WITH THE FLAIR: TEE SHIRT, BUMPER STICKER, AND TATTOO JUNKIES
    5. SPEAKING OF WHICH, THE DUALISM OF MR. ROARK AND TATTOO FROM FANTASY ISLAND
    6. JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY, ENOUGH WITH THE THIN OCCULT PRETEXT

  6. BUILDING A TELESTERION OR ALTAR OR A SIMILAR THING TO WIG OUT OTHER PEOPLE AND OTHER FLAMBOYANT THINGS YOUR ATTENTION-STARVED SELF CAN DO

    1. REAPING PROFITS IN THE OCCULT TCHOTCHKE BUSINESS
    2. STUFF TO DO IF YOU'RE WICKED FEMININE, GYNECOLOGICAL, AND STUFF LIKE THAT
    3. STUFF TO DO IF YOU'RE INTO SOME SERIOUSLY INFERNAL STUFF: DEALING WITH YOUR PARENTS WHO HAVE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT
    4. STUFF TO DO IF YOU'RE ALL NEW AGE: THE CELESTINE PROPHECY, YOU ACTUALLY PAID MONEY FOR THAT, JUST THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A MINUTE
    5. IF YOU'RE INTO ALEISTER CROWLEY, JUST JOIN THE OTO BUT IT'S ALL ABOUT COCK AND SEMEN AND MENSTRUAL FLUID; I WILL WARN YOU UP FRONT
    6. PEOPLE FUCKING LOVE YOUR BUMPER STICKERS SO PUT A WHOLE LOT OF THOSE PUPPIES ON THERE - JUST WALLPAPER THAT SHIT

  7. SOLVE ET COAGULA: THE GREAT WORK. ALCHEMICAL TRANSMUTATION OF GOLD OR YOUR SOUL OR YOUR KITCHEN, LIKE REMODELING IT LET'S SAY

    1. VITRIOL / V.I.T.R.I.O.L. - THE UNIVERSAL SOLVENT
    2. THE GREAT WORK: THE CENTRAL SECRET OF ALCHEMY AND THE OCCULT
    3. MAYBE JUST TAKE SOME LSD
    4. DECODING ALCHEMICAL TEXTS AND EMBLEMS, 400 YEAR OLD PSYCHEDELIC ILLUSTRATIONS AND WOODCUTS THAT ARE STILL NSFW BECAUSE PENIS AND BOOBIES
    5. DECODING INTERNET ALCHEMISTS: DOWNVOTE AND IGNORE, WITH AN INTRODUCTION TO AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDERS
    6. ENOUGH ALREADY WITH FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST, THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING YOU FUCKING WEEABOOS
    7. NO SERIOUSLY, LIKE, THIS FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST SHIT MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE TO GOOGLE ACTUAL ALCHEMY YOU FUCKING WEEABOOS

  8. SUMMONING AND MAGICK: THE SCIENCE AND ART OF CAUSING CHANGE TO OCCUR IN CONFORMITY WITH WILL BY PESTERING OTHERS UNTIL THEY FUCKING CRACK

    1. SUMMONING PIZZA DELIVERERS: DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN ORDER DOMINOS ONLINE
    2. SUMMONING DEMONS IF YOU REALLY MUST AS OPPOSED TO JUST WEARING YOUR CEREMONIAL GARB TO, SAY, THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW INSTEAD
    3. NO ONE LIKES A DEMON SUMMONER: ON BEING PANTSED BY BULLIES AT SCHOOL
    4. KNOWLEDGE AND CONVERSATION OF THE UPS OR FEDEX DELIVERY GUY
    5. KNOWLEDGE AND CONVERSATION OF DWAYNE: RAJ AND RERUN'S FRIEND FROM WHAT'S HAPPENING!!
    6. KNOWLEDGE AND CONVERSATION OF HAYWOOD NELSON, THE ACTOR WHO PLAYED DWAYNE
    7. KNOWLEDGE AND CONVERSATION OF LARRY: JACK, JANET, AND CHRISSY'S NEIGHBOR FROM THREE'S COMPANY
    8. KNOWLEDGE AND CONVERSATION OF YOUR MOM
    9. SOLOMONIC MAGICK: THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF EFFORT TO GO THROUGH MAKING THOSE MAGICK CIRCLES AND STUFF, WHY NOT JUST GO OUTSIDE
    10. THERE IS ALWAYS AMAZON.COM AND A SECOND JOB IF YOU REALLY NEED TO PROCURE SPECIFIC OBJECTS
    11. ABRAMELIN OPERATION: AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT
    12. TALISMANS AND AMULETS: WHAT TO DO IF PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOUR TALISMANS AND AMULETS BECAUSE SERIOUSLY TALISMANS AND AMULETS
    13. MAGICK IN DESERT ENVIRONMENTS: I LIKE BIG BUTTES AND I CANNOT LIE
    14. THE COB IS IN THE CORN, NOT THE CORN IN THE COB, I THINK THAT'S HOW IT GOES OR SOMETHING OF THIS NATURE POSSIBLY, OK I DON'T KNOW LET'S TEXT NUIT

  9. CONCERNING THE SECRET CHIEFS: THE ASCENSION OF IRENAEUS PLONK

    1. THE GREAT WHITE BROTHERHOOD: ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY
    2. THROWING OFF THE BELL CURVE: ASCENDED MASTERS ARE DISPROPORTIONATELY KOREAN-AMERICAN FOR SOME REASON, NOT TO BE RACIST OR ANYTHING BUT THEY ARE
    3. ANNA SPRENGEL WAS A TROLL
    4. THE AKASHIC RECORDS: COPYPASTA IN .DOC FORMAT, MOSTLY CRIBBED FROM 4CHAN LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE
    5. THE AKASHIC RECORDS: MARGINALIA BY ASCENDED MASTERS, PAST AND PRESENT
    6. HELENA PETROVNA BLAVATSKY WILL NOT SHUT UP LIKE NOT EVEN FOR FIVE MINUTES: THE CASE FOR REINCARNATION EVEN OF THE ASCENDED SO WE CAN HAVE SOME QUIET TIME OR WHY TENURE IN THE GREAT WHITE BROTHERHOOD LEADS TO PREDICTABLE MEDIOCRITY EXCEPT FOR ME BECAUSE I RULE
    7. ALEISTER CROWLEY IS HERE, AND I SWEAR TO GOD, IF HE DOESN'T PUT ON HIS PANTS AND PUT THE MONSTER AWAY I'M GOING TO BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF HIM WITH THE CORPSE OF MACGREGOR MATHERS AND I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING; I WILL ROCK HIS FUCKING WORLD
    8. THE TESTIMONY OF IRENAEUS PLONK: UNIVERSAL TRUTHS REVEALED
    9. JUST KIDDING, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO QUIT YOUR DAY JOB BECAUSE OF ANYTHING REVEALED HERE, JUST LIKE ANY OCCULT SYSTEM BUT AT LEAST NO CONSUMPTION OF BODILY FLUIDS SO WE GOT THAT GOING FOR US
    10. YOU SHOULD MAYBE JUST READ THE SIGIL SECTION AGAIN AND SKIP THE SIGIL PART AND JUST JERK OFF: A SALUTE TO ROBERT ANTON WILSON
    11. OR WRITE A GRIMOIRE AND SELL IT ON EBAY OR START YOUR OWN RELIGION OR BECOME AN AMWAY DISTRIBUTOR OR GET INTO HERBALIFE OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES
    12. REALLY BORING HERE, AIR HOCKEY TABLE BROKEN AND ONLY BASIC CABLE

Leave a voicemail message for Irenaeus Plonk @ +1 520-344-2375

About Irenaeus Plonk, Ascended Master